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AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.


Arcade King
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14 hours ago, cwispy said:

When someone says "You don't know Jack Shitt!" Now you'll know the entire story.

Jack Shitt was the son of Owe Shitt and Awe Shitt. Owe Shitt the fertiliser magnate, married Awe Shitt who ran a country hotel - The kneedeep Inn.

Jack Shitt eventually married Noe Shitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly their first child Holy Shitt passed away shortly after birth. Next came the twin sons, Deep Shitt and Dip Shitt. Then they had daughters, Fulla Shitt and Giva Shitt. Their last child was named Bull.

As time went on, Deep Shitt married Dumb Shitt, a high school dropout. Deep Shitt's twin brother, Dip Shitt, married Lotta Shitt, who gave birth to a son Chicken Shitt. Fulla Shitt and Giva Shitt married the Happens brothers.

The Shitt-Happens children are Dawg Shitt, Byrd Shitt and Hawse Shitt.

Bull Shitt married a spicy Italian number Pisa Shitt and together they await the birth of their first child Baby Shitt.

So the next time someone says "You don't know Jack Shitt" you can say "Not only to I know Jack Shitt, but I know the entire Family as well"

What happened to Stiff Shitt?

He dried out died and became known as Dead Shitt

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Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly, deeply and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic relationship until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.
"We can't see each other anymore...." she sobbed.
"Why?" gasped Declan.
"Daddy says crabs are too common," she wailed. "He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest class of crustacean... and that no daughter of his will marry someone who can only walk sideways."
Declan was shattered, and scuttled sidewards away into the darkness and to drink himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion. That night, the great Lobster Ball was taking place. Lobsters came from far and wide, dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess refused to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side, inconsolable.
Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King Lobster rose from his throne. Slowly, painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the floor... and all could see that he was walking not sideways, but FORWARDS, one claw after another!
Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he finally looked King Lobster in the eye. There was a deadly hush. Finally, the crab spoke..............

"F*** Me, I'm pissed."

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A six year old boy was at the courtroom yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy had a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge awarded the custody to his aunt in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beats him just like his parents and he refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he lived with the grand parents, the boy cried that they also beat him

Now learning that violence was apparently a way of life for the family, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After conferring with the child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to Collingwood football club, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

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Late one night Bob takes a shortcut through the cemetery on his way home

Hearing a tapping sounds He becomes a little scared and hastens his pace. To his horror the tapping only becomes louder and He is now Shitting himself silly

Out of the corner of his eye He spots a fella chiselling away at a Tombstone

"Thank F*&K for that!" He exclaims as He approaches the man. "You frightened the shit out of me! Why are you working so late at night?"

"They spelt my name wrong".........

 

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  • 3 weeks later...
A man was working in the garden and his wife was about to take a shower.
He realized that he couldn't find the rake.. and yelled up to his wife,
"Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear and she shouted back, "What?"
He pointed to his eye, and then pointed to his knee and made a raking motion.
his wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
He repeated the gestures. "Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
His wife replied that she understands and signals back.
She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell he could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, He went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that?"
She replies:
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush!"
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A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

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Men's Helpline...
“Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you?”
“Hi Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem.
I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.
The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with ‘the girls’ a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep.
Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone’s car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.
Is that something I can weld, or would I need to replace the whole bracket?

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