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AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.


Arcade King
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All this lockdown stuff is really getting me down.

I thought I'd take up meditation.

It's better than sitting around doing nothing.

Edited by wolfy
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A good mate of mine has 2 fully paid tickets for the AFL Grand Final in a private box at Optus Stadium with all food and refreshments included.

Unfortunately it’s just his luck, he didn't realise when he bought them that it is on the same day as his wedding, so he can't go.

If you're interested and want to go instead of him, it is at 2pm at St Joseph's Catholic Church, Subiaco and her name is Julie. 👍

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"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!" She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

 

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running eight miles. Who the hell runs eight miles in 30 seconds?

 

A woman walks out of the shower, winks at her boyfriend, and says, "Honey, I shaved myself down there. Do you know what that means?" The boyfriend says, "Yeah, it means the drain is clogged again."

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Two Blokes are drinking together. One says, “When I die, will you promise to pour a beer on my grave?” The other replies, “No worries mate, but I’ll have to pass it through my liver first.”

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A Vampire bat returns to the cave with his face, mouth and teeth all covered in blood. All the other bats now excited from seeing his face, and after a futile nights feeding asked where He got it all from. "Follow me!!!" He says and out they flew over the hills, across the river and into the dreaded dark forest. "See that tree over there?" He says. "Yes! Yes!" came the excited replies........... "Well I fuck$n didnt".......

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A bloke walked into the pub accompanied by an Emu and a Cat. They all sat at the bar and the bloke ordered and paid for three beers.

They drank the beers, and the bloke ordered three more. This time, the Emu paid.

But when the next round came up the bloke had to shout again, because the cat wouldn't.

And so it went for a while, with the bloke and the emu taking it turns to shout three beers while the Cat never paid a penny.

Eventually, the barman wandered over and spoke to the bloke.

"I've never seen a bloke drinking with an Emu and a Cat before" he said. "I've noticed that you and the Emu are doing all the buying. What's the story?"

"Well", the bloke explained, "I was down at the beach one day when I found an old bottle, half buried in the sand. I dug it up, uncorked it, and out popped a Genie. He'd been trapped in the bottle for a thousand years, and he was so pleased to be released he granted me a wish."

"I asked for a long-legged bird with a tight pussy.... and i've been stuck with these two bastards ever since!"

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When someone says "You don't know Jack Shitt!" Now you'll know the entire story.

Jack Shitt was the son of Owe Shitt and Awe Shitt. Owe Shitt the fertiliser magnate, married Awe Shitt who ran a country hotel - The kneedeep Inn.

Jack Shitt eventually married Noe Shitt and together they produced six children.

Sadly their first child Holy Shitt passed away shortly after birth. Next came the twin sons, Deep Shitt and Dip Shitt. Then they had daughters, Fulla Shitt and Giva Shitt. Their last child was named Bull.

As time went on, Deep Shitt married Dumb Shitt, a high school dropout. Deep Shitt's twin brother, Dip Shitt, married Lotta Shitt, who gave birth to a son Chicken Shitt. Fulla Shitt and Giva Shitt married the Happens brothers.

The Shitt-Happens children are Dawg Shitt, Byrd Shitt and Hawse Shitt.

Bull Shitt married a spicy Italian number Pisa Shitt and together they await the birth of their first child Baby Shitt.

So the next time someone says "You don't know Jack Shitt" you can say "Not only to I know Jack Shitt, but I know the entire Family as well"

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Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous because after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After I was married, I was advised to use the "Rhythm Method". Despite trying the Tango and The Rhumba my wife fell pregnant, and I ruptured myself doing the cha cha cha. Apart from that, where do you get a band at 5 o'clock in the morning?

A Doctor suggested we use the safe period. At the time we were living with the in-laws and we to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, it didn't work.

A lady of of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It's hardly like Newcastle Brown Ale but I did end up with smooth skin, silky hair, and feeling very healthy and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives tale that we heard, was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding, including my earlier attempts, if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the sheath, he demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which didn't really surprise me, as I fail to see how a Durex stretched over thumb, as he showed me, can possibly prevent babies.

The Dutch-Cap came next, we were hopeful of this, as it didn't interfere with our sex lives at all. But alas It gave my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available, but it was still too tight across the forehead.

Finally we tried the Pill. At first it kept falling out, but then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me from getting anywhere near. This worked for a while, until one night when the wife forgot the pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful I will have to revert to Oral Sex, although just talking about it surely can never be a substitute for the real thing.

Yours Desperately,

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Once upon a time, there was a nonconforming sparrow who decided not to fly north for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly started to fly north. In a short time Ice began to form on his wings and he fell to earth in a barnyard, almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end. But, the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy, able to breathe, he started to sing. Just then a large cat came by and hearing the chirping, investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

 

The moral of the story:

1. Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2. Everyone who gets you out of the shit is not necessarily your friend.

3. If you're warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut!

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