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AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.


Arcade King
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An elderly couple, who had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.�

 

“I found a bear by the stream,� says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.�

 

They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,� he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.�

 

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The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?�

 

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.�

 

“Wow, that’s incredible,� the doctor says.

 

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

 

“Bonnie,� he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?�

 

“Oh, no,� exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!�

 

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  • 1 month later...

 

In India, kids don’t play Duck, Duck, Goose; instead they play Elephant, Elephant, Hippo, but they play with actual elephants and hippos. Unfortunately hippos are sore losers and are known for, when not victorious, breaking into impromptu games of Hungry Hungry Hippos...

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Two blondes are standing on opposite sides of a wide river.

Blonde 1 yells out "How do I get to the other side?"

Blonde 2 yells back "You're already there!"

 

 

 

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In India, kids don’t play Duck, Duck, Goose; instead they play Elephant, Elephant, Hippo, but they play with actual elephants and hippos. Unfortunately hippos are sore losers and are known for, when not victorious, breaking into impromptu games of Hungry Hungry Hippos...

 

Nice joke, but as a former African native with experience of hippo ire, I regret to inform you that hippos are also African natives and the aforementioned situation would be very rare and only be set in Indian zoos with very lax enclosure border control.

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A family is at the dinner table.

 

The son asks the father, Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

 

The father, surprised, answers, Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.

 

“Onions?� the son asks.

 

Yes. You see them and they make you cry.

 

This infuriated his wife and daughter.

 

The daughter asks, Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?

 

The mother smiles and says, Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.

 

A Christmas tree? the daughter asks.

 

Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.

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  • 1 month later...

Farmer walks into the kitchen with a duck under his arm, looks straight at his wife and says "This is the pig I was telling you about"

Wife looks at him with a very annoyed look and says "Thats not a pig its a duck!"

Farmer says "I was talking to the duck"

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
What's the difference between a tyre and 365 used condoms?

 

 

 

 

One's a Goodyear, and the other is a "really" good year!

 

Where the rubber hits the road. Your life is in their hands!

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Senior Sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,

"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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Ma and Pa were two old hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full.

He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn’t know what to do to empty the hole.

Ma says,

“Why don’t you go ask the young’n down the road? He must be smart ’cause he’s a college graduate.�

So Pa drives down to the neighbor’s house and asks him,

“Mr. College graduate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don’t know what to do to empty it.�

The young’n tells him,

“Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it’s in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole.�

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse.

He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm.

Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks,

“Ma, are you all right?�

As she pulls up her panties she says,

“Yeah, but I’m sure glad I didn’t fart in the kitchen!� :lol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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  • 2 weeks later...

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite'
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?
Johnny said: 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.'
The teacher fainted...

 

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The Pope and Gladys Berejiklian were on stage together outside Parliament House in front of a huge crowd

The Pope leans towards Gladys and says "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in the crowd go wild with joy? The joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Gladys replied "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand?....... show me!"

So the Pope backhanded her and knocked her off the stage

And the crowd roared and cheered wildly, there was dancing in the streets and joy and happiness spread through all of NSW

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