AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.

[The Big Easy]

A farmer with three daughters hears a knock at the front door one day

when he opens the door the fella standing there sez

gday im Lance here to take Nance to the dance

so off lance and nance go to the dance

half an hour later he hears another knock at the door n when he opens it

the fella standing there sez

gday im Joe here to take Flo to the show

so off joe and flo go to the show

a bit later he hears another knock at the door n when he opens it

the fella standing there sez

gday im Buck

on ya way buck sez the farmer and slams the door shut

[The Big Easy]

What happened when Bob hawke farted?

Neville wran

[RMacauley]

The other day, my friends and I went to a strip club. One of my friends wanted to impress the

rest of us, so he pulled out a $10 bill. When the dancer came over to us, my friend licked the

$10 bill and stuck it to her butt cheek!

 

Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. He called the girl back over, licked the $20

bill, and stuck it to her other butt cheek.

 

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the girl over.

I was worried about the way things were going, but he licked the bill and just stuck it to one of her butt cheeks again.

 

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things were going, the girl gyrated over to me! Now

everyone's attention was focused on me, and the girl was egging me on to try and top the $50. My

brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.

 

What could I do?

 

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of her arse, grabbed the 80 bucks and went home.

[The Big Easy]

Thats a cracker

[oldhank]

What do you call a cow with epilepsy...........beef jerky

[The Big Easy]

What do you call a cow with epilepsy...........beef jerky

 

or prehaps milkshake

[Pop Bumper Pete]

What is the difference between an apple and an orphan?

 

An apple gets picked

Edited February 17, 2021 by Pop Bumper Pete

[Gemini2544]

Q/ What can you do with a light globe but you cant do it with a pregnant woman?

 

A/ Unscrew it...:laugh::lol

[wolfy]

I had to make an appointment to go see my doctor.

 

Every time I have a cup of coffee, I would get a stinging sensation in my eye.

 

He said I should probably take the teaspoon out.

[Pop Bumper Pete]

I went to the shops today , and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a state trooper writing a parking ticket for being in a handicap spot.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked cop. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on until he had placed 5 tickets on the winshield... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[Pop Bumper Pete]

A man walked into the ladies department of a Myer and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.

 

What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

 

Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

 

Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape size, color and material imaginable. Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from.

 

Relieved, the man asked about the types. The saleslady replied:

There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?

 

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

 

The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills.

[razorsedge]

[The Big Easy]

Why do farts smell? so deaf people can enjoy them too

[RMacauley]

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.

Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress.

He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand , and heads back to the showers.

He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.

Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.

The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.

The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood.

Startled, he drops a bar of soap.

"Oh look" says the first nun, "it's a soap dispenser".

To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood.

Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.

Now the third nun decides to have a go.

She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens.

So she gives several more tugs, then yells...

"Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!"

[The Big Easy]

What kind of sex do priests have? Nun

[Gemini2544]

At night in the Nuns bedroom one Nun say's to the other Nun "Wheres the candle". The other Nun says "Doesn't it".:o

[Pop Bumper Pete]

what is the difference between an enzyme and a hormone?

 

you cannot hear an enzyme

[DAG]

How do you make a hormone?

 

Kick her in the guts....

[razorsedge]

A holocaust survivor, long after the fact dies of natural causes, and he goes to heaven.

 

When he gets there, god asks the survivor to tell him a holocaust joke.

 

So, he does, tells god the best holocaust joke he can come up with. God says "That's not funny!" ... the survivor says, "Well, I guess you had to be there!" :unsure

[razorsedge]

[The Big Easy]

How many Scott Morrisons does it take to answer a direct question?

Lets be clear on this No comment

Edited March 17, 2021 by The Big Easy

[Gemini2544]

Why is Daniel Andrews so much like Dr Smith ..... My back is like a disaster area. Oh the Pain the Pain.

[Pop Bumper Pete]

I met my wife on a speed-dating evening. I was a bit surprised because I thought she was at home looking after the kids.

[razorsedge]

"My son comes home from school yesterday and says he learned something new today, how deer can actually jump higher than a house. Follows that up with 'It isn't surprising though dad, since houses can't jump' . "

 

:rolleyes

[oldhank]

If you want something said ask a man if you want something done ask a woman if you want nothing said or done ask a cat