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AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.


Arcade King
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Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...

 

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

 

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

 

Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy!

I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!

 

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.

What's the deal?"

 

Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!

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  • 2 weeks later...

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.

The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. '

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

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  • 2 weeks later...
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious..' The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'
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📔 Diary of an Englishman in Western Australia 🇦🇺

 

🗓 August 31

 

Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new home in Karratha , Western Australia .

Now this is a town that knows how to live!

Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings.

I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday.

It was beautiful.

I've finally found my new home.

I love it here.

 

🗓 September 1

 

Really heating up now.

It got to 31 today.

No problem though.

Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.

What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this.

I'm turning into a sun-worshipper - no blasted rain like back in Leeds !!

 

🗓 September 3

 

Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants today.

Lots of palms and rocks.

No more mowing lawns for me!

Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

It's Paradise !

 

🗓 October 10

 

The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week.

How do people get used to this kind of heat?

At least today it's windy though.

Keeps the flies off a bit.

Acclimatizing is taking longer than we expected.

 

🗓 October 15

 

Fell asleep by the pool yesterday.

Got third degree burns over 60% of my body.

Missed three days off work.

What a dumb thing to do..

Got to respect the old sun in a climate like this!

 

🗓 October 20

 

- Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car before I left for work this morning.

By the time I got back to the car after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stuck to the upholstery.

The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat shit.

I've learned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

 

🗓 October 25

 

- This wind is a bastard.

It feels like a giant fucking blow dryer.

And it's hot as hell!

The home air conditioner is on the blink and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs to order parts from fucking Perth .....The wife & the kids are complaining.

 

🗓 October 30

 

- The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still haven't arrived for the fucking air conditioner.

House is an oven so we've all been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now.

Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go inside.

 

Why the hell did I ever come here?

 

🗓 November 4

Finally got the fucking air-conditioner fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it feel about 35.

Stupid repairman.

Fucking thief.

 

🗓 November 8

 

- If one more smart bastard says 'Hot enough for you today?'

I'm going to fucking throttle him.

Fucking heat!

By the time I get to work, the car radiator is boiling over, my fucking clothes are soaking fucking wet and I smell like baked cat.

Fucking place is the end of the Earth.

 

🗓 November 9

 

- Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat on the black leather upholstery in my car.

I thought my fucking arse was on fire.

I lost 2 layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs of my legs and off my fucking arse.

Now the car smells like burnt hair, fried arse and baked cat.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

 

🗓 November 10

 

-The Weather report might as well be a fucking recording.. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fucking sunny. It never fucking changes!

It's been too hot to do anything for 2 fucking months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week.

Fuck!

 

🗓 November 15

 

- Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fucking place?

Water restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry up and blow into the fucking pool.

The only things that thrive in this fucking hell-hole are the fucking flies.

You don't dare open your mouth for fear of swallowing half a dozen of the little bastards!

 

🗓 November 20

 

- Welcome to HELL!

It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.

Now the air conditioner gone in my car.

The repair man came to fix it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?'

I wanted to shove the fucking car up his fucking arse.

 

Anyway, had to spend the $2,500 mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid prick.

Fucking Karratha!

What kind of sick, demented fucking idiot would want to live here!

 

🗓 December 1

 

- WHAT!!!! The FIRST day of Summer!!!!

You are fucking kidding me!

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That joke reminds me of two poms that rented a flat Mum & Dad had. All they did was winge about the heat and the first spider they saw was a red back & they freaked. After only one summer it's back to England, they fled saying "Bloody heat, too many flies. You can give Australia back to the Aborigines". :lol:laugh:
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It's a good joke...One of the things Australia and Florida have in common, (other than me and my relatives) - It's hotter than hell, and much of the wildlife is basically trying to kill you. =D

 

Also, my cousins call the snakes there "Danger Noodles"...Here we call them "Nope Ropes".

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  • 2 weeks later...

a bloke walking past the pharmacy sees a sign out the front that sez CONDOMS PRESONALLY FITTED

so he decides to check it out as he approaches the counter the extremely attractive bird behind the counter asks

how can i help you

are you the one who personally fits the condoms sez the bloke

yes she replies with a sexy wink

well then go and wash your hands cause all i want is a pack of jellybeans sez the bloke

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One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

 

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

 

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.

 

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom. Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

 

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

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A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

 

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

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not a joke but a fun fact;

 

did you know it is illegal to have more than 50kg of potatoes in Western Australia?

 

Did you know the law that you need a flag man in front of a moving vehicle that goes faster than 8mph is still in force. It was never revoked..:laugh::lol

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A man wakes up in Hospital bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the Highway.

You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything,

but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on,

"You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want.

But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"

"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes" says the man.

"What is your decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're getting granite bench tops."

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  • 2 weeks later...

One day a man decided to retire...

 

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and

proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

 

He soon found himself on an island with no other

people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

 

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

 

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

 

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

 

"Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

 

"But, where did you get the tools?"

 

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the

woman. " On the south side of the island, a very

unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

 

The guy is stunned.

 

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

 

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an

expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home.

 

Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?"

 

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

 

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

 

No longer questioning anything, the man goes

upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

 

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

 

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

 

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering

closer to him, "We've both been out here for many

months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?"

 

She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing.

 

"You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

 

"You've built a Motorcycle?�

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  • 2 weeks later...

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

What?" said the puzzled groom.

How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative, he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services, he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services, he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing, even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer, he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration, he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing, although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist, all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist, all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector, all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!" .

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