micky Posted December 29, 2021 Share Posted December 29, 2021 I’m currently on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days so far! 3 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfy Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 I finally worked up the courage to bring my girlfriend home so that I could introduce her to the family. Needless to say my wife wasn't impressed! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank. He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts. After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?" She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank." "Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you." "Oh, this ole thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree." "But, where did you get the tools?" "Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware." The guy is stunned. "Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down." "Would you like a drink?" "No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice." "Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?" Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs." No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?" When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned. She smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her. "Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes. He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Motorcycle?” 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemini2544 Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 (edited) Judi was bored with driving her BMW. It laced individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps an MG convertible. That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint work. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong? At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the AutoClub and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her. "That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter? Judi replied, "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again. "Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburetor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh. How many times a week do I have to do that?" AND... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience. "Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!" Edited January 4, 2022 by Gemini2544 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skids Posted January 4, 2022 Share Posted January 4, 2022 A Grandpa Story to Be Proud Of... Last week, I took my grandchildren to a restaurant. Before we ate, my 8-year-old grandson asked if he could say grace. As we bowed our heads he said, "God is good, God is great. Thank you for the food, & I would thank you even more if Grandpa gets us ice cream for dessert - and liberty & justice for all. Amen!" There was laughter from the other customers nearby, except one woman who I heard remark, "That's what's wrong with this country? Kids today don't even know how to pray. Asking God for ice cream! Why I never!" Hearing this, my grandson burst into tears & asked me, "Did I do it wrong Grandpa? Is God mad at me?" After I assured him that he had done a terrific job & that God was certainly not mad at him, an elderly gentleman approached the table. He winked at my grandson & said, "I happen to know that God thought that was a great prayer." "Really?" my grandson asked. "Cross my heart," the man replied. Then, in a theatrical whisper, he added (indicating the woman whose remark had started this whole thing), "Too bad she never asks God for ice cream. A little ice cream is sometimes good for the soul.” Naturally, I bought my grandchildren ice cream at the end of the meal. My grandson stared at his ice cream for a moment, & then he did something I will remember the rest of my life. He picked up his sundae &, without a word, walked over & placed it in front of the woman. With a big smile he told her, "Here, this is for you, you grumpy old bitch. Shove it up your arse!" 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators cwispy Posted January 8, 2022 Administrators Share Posted January 8, 2022 Have you ever heard of the band called 999 megabytes. Probably not because they have never been able to make it to a gig.. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 9, 2022 Share Posted January 9, 2022 I recently got run over by a rental car. Bloody Hertz! 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators cwispy Posted January 11, 2022 Administrators Share Posted January 11, 2022 Q. Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? A. To look for Pooh! A pirate walks into the doctor’s office: Pirate: “Doc, you got to help me. Me ship’s steering wheel is stuck to me crotch.” Doctor: “So, what’s the problem?” Pirate: “Doc… it’s driving me nuts!” 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dedmunds Posted January 12, 2022 Share Posted January 12, 2022 So... A Duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "You got any Bread?" Bartender says "Nah mate, this is a bar. We don't have any bread" The Duck says "Ah..." and pauses for a moment and asks "You got any Bread?" The Bartender is all confused and says "No mate, we don't have any Bread" The Duck pauses again, and says "Ah... You got any Bread?" Irritated, the Barman says "No. No Bread!" The Duck pauses, then asks "You got any Bread?" By now the Bartender has had enough. He says "No! for the last time we don't have any bloody bread! If you ask me again i'll grab you and nail your beak to this !@#$ bar!!" The Duck says "Ah... You got any Nails?" Bartender says "No" The Duck pauses for a moment and asks "You got any Bread?" 2 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
skids Posted January 13, 2022 Share Posted January 13, 2022 Q What is the height of optimism? A:.English batsman putting on sunscreen. Q. What is the difference between an English batsman and a Formula 1 car? A. Nothing! If you blink you will miss them both. Q. What do English batsmen and drug addicts have in common? A. Both spend most of their time wondering where their next score will come from. Q. What does an English batsman who is playing in The Ashes have in common with Michael Jackson? A. They both wore gloves for no apparent reason. Q. What is the difference between Cinderella and the Pommies? A. Cinderella knew when to leave the ball. Q. What's the difference between the Pommies and a funeral director? A. A funeral director isn't going to lose the ashes. 1 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pop Bumper Pete Posted January 15, 2022 Share Posted January 15, 2022 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 15, 2022 Share Posted January 15, 2022 Did you hear about the Mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pop Bumper Pete Posted January 15, 2022 Share Posted January 15, 2022 1 hour ago, micky said: Did you hear about the Mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them. How does a mathematician cure his constipation? he worked it out with a pencil 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 16, 2022 Share Posted January 16, 2022 The guy who invented speed boats died on the weekend. His funeral will be followed by a wake. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemini2544 Posted January 16, 2022 Share Posted January 16, 2022 Parachutes now come with a lifetime concrete guarantee, Buy now! 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemini2544 Posted January 16, 2022 Share Posted January 16, 2022 7 hours ago, Gemini2544 said: Parachutes now come with a lifetime concrete guarantee, Buy now! @djc If your parachute fails to work & you hit concrete, you can then claim the guarantee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
oldhank Posted January 19, 2022 Share Posted January 19, 2022 On 12/01/2022 at 2:17 PM, dedmunds said: So... A Duck walks into a bar. He asks the bartender "You got any Bread?" Bartender says "Nah mate, this is a bar. We don't have any bread" The Duck says "Ah..." and pauses for a moment and asks "You got any Bread?" The Bartender is all confused and says "No mate, we don't have any Bread" The Duck pauses again, and says "Ah... You got any Bread?" Irritated, the Barman says "No. No Bread!" The Duck pauses, then asks "You got any Bread?" By now the Bartender has had enough. He says "No! for the last time we don't have any bloody bread! If you ask me again i'll grab you and nail your beak to this !@#$ bar!!" The Duck says "Ah... You got any Nails?" Bartender says "No" The Duck pauses for a moment and asks "You got any Bread?" One of my favourites Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 20, 2022 Share Posted January 20, 2022 Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl use the bathroom? Because the p is silent. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators cwispy Posted January 20, 2022 Administrators Share Posted January 20, 2022 A gynaecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves. The patient says no. The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry. She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs. The doctor says, "What's so funny?" She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms." 2 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Big Easy Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 Why do politicians sleep on the couch? Because they couldnt lie straight in bed 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 22, 2022 Share Posted January 22, 2022 What do you get when you give Valium to a lizard? A calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer, calmer chameleon. 3 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 23, 2022 Share Posted January 23, 2022 I recently wrote a song about a tortilla. Well it was more of a rap really. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Administrators cwispy Posted January 24, 2022 Administrators Share Posted January 24, 2022 Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!" 1 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted January 31, 2022 Share Posted January 31, 2022 I was walking down a street yesterday and the houses were numbered 64k, 128k, 264k, 512k and 1Mb. Boy, that was a trip down Memory Lane. 3 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
micky Posted February 1, 2022 Share Posted February 1, 2022 There is a massive paddle sale on at my local boat store. It’s quite an oar deal! 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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