Jump to content
IGNORED

AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.


Arcade King
 Share

Recommended Posts

  • Administrators

I accidentally permanently deleted the old thread while deleting some recent spam posts (hit the wrong button). Stiff uppercut to myself :b

 

Most of the thread has been preserved on the Test site but they've changed the thread structure so I haven't a clue how to restore this thread without a full backup.

https://www.aussiearcade.com/vbtest/...e-add-to-daily

So what's old is new again :confused:

 

Here's Gemini's first post from that thread to kick things off.

 

 

A teacher's story about Stuttering

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

 

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat that stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'' That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

 

'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say “F#%K!,� the Rottweiler ate her!

 

The teacher had to leave the room. :lol

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Three immigrants, having recently emigrated to Melbourne find themselves in a bar together and are adjusting to their new home.

The Russian strikes up a conversation with the other two, feeling nostalgic about his homeland.

 

"In St. Petersburg, I used to go to bar called Crazy Ivan's. At Crazy Ivans, after every 3rd drink you buy, Ivan give you shot of Vodka on ze house." The other two comrades nodded in approval.

 

The Italian spoke next. "Well datsa nice, but in Firenze we hada bar called Guiseppe's. Atta Guiseppe's, whena you buy a drink, Guiseppe woulda buy you a drink every time." Again, his fellows nodded approvingly.

 

Now the Irishman spoke. "Well boy,s, now that amateur hour is over, let's talk about Murphy's in Dublin. When you go to Murphy's, they'll buy your first drink, they'll buy your second drink, they'll buy your third drink, and when ya tire of drinkin', they'll take you out in the back and get you laid!"

 

Astonished, the Russian and Italian ask the Irishman, "That's incredible! What're we doing here in Melbourne when we could be drinking there? Did that actually happen to you?!"

 

"Nah," the Irishman says. "But it happened to me sister!"

Edited by kayakkingoz
  • Like 7
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lord Whatnot was in his manor house having a bath, being attended by his butler Jeeves. Suddenly he gets this unstoppable urge to fart.

Rather than embarrassing himself by farting in front of his manservant, he quickly thinks of an excuse for Jeeves to leave the room, all whilst holding in this massive fart.

"Jeeves, could you please go to the library and get me that book on fox hunting that I left on the oak table next to to my leather armchair."

The butler duly leaves, and Lord Whatnot lets go this huge ripper of a fart in the bath.

Several minutes later, Jeeves returns holding a tray on which were the book, some bottles and a few other items.

"Jeeves, I only requested that book on fox hunting!"

"But Sir as I was leaving the room I distinctly heard you say "and a hot water bottle and a bottle of olive oil!!"

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Caver Mike died in a fire and his body was burned badly.

 

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Justin and Rory.

 

The three men had always ventured together, and were longtime members of many mancave groups.

 

Justin arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Justin said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.�

 

The mortician rolled him over and Justin said, “Nope, ain’t Mike.�

 

The mortician thought this was rather strange, so he brought Rory in to confirm the identity of the body. Rory looked at the body and said, “Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.�

 

The mortician rolled him over and Rory said, “No, it ain’t Mike.�

 

The mortician asked, “How can you tell?�

 

Rory said, “Well, Mike had two assholes.�

 

“What! Two assholes?� asked the mortician.

 

“Yup, we never seen ’em, but everybody used to say, there’s Mike with them two assholes.�

 

�✌�

  • Like 1
Link to comment
Share on other sites

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

 

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

 

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

 

When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

An oldie but a good one.

 

----------

 

A guy walks into a bar, says to the bartender

 

“if I show you something amazing will you buy me a drink?�

 

The bartender says

 

“sure, but I’ve been bartending a long time so it’s gotta be good�

 

Guy reaches into his pocket pulls out a little piano and a frog, the frog starts playing the piano; bartender gives the guy his drink.

 

He asks the bartender

 

“if I can show you something even better will you cover me the whole night?� bartender thinks about it and figures it’s hard to beat that, so why not.

 

Guy pulls a tiny microphone stand out and a squirrel, the frog starts to play and the squirrel sings the blues buddy sitting beside the guy goes

 

“Hey, I’m an A&R rep for a major label, I want to buy that squirrel, I’ll cut you a cheque for a million dollars right now�

 

Guy thinks and goes “Can’t do it�

 

A&R guy goes “Two million�

 

“Deal�

 

The A&R guy takes the squirrel and leaves, the bartender says to the guy

 

“Are you crazy? You could have got ten times that�

 

The guy goes,

 

“Frog’s a ventriloquist�

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. It was Spring and he wanted to dig his tomato garden, as he had done every year, but it was very hard work for the aging man as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was currently in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If only you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't go digging up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, Homicide agents and local police arrived at the old man's house and dug up the entire area. However, they didn't find any bodies, so they apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A young mancaver named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"

Dave said, "Ok, then, just bring me the dead horse"

The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?"

Dave said, "I’m going to raffle him off"

The farmer said, "You can’t raffle off a dead horse!"

Dave said, "Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell any body he’s dead"

A month Later, the farmer met up with Dave and asked, "What happened with that dead horse?"

Dave said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars a piece and made a profit of $2245"

The farmer said, "Didn’t anyone complain?"

Dave said, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his five dollars back" 😜�

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy is sitting at the doctor's office. The doctor walks in and says, "I have some bad news. I'm afraid you're going to have to stop masturbating." "I don't understand, doc," the patient says. "Why?" "Because," the doctor says. "I'm trying to examine you.":unsure
  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Probably already added before, i haven't been keeping up lately :(

 

BEST LITTLE JOHNNY JOKE EVER!!! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Little Johnny meets Clive Palmer

 

Clive Palmer was visiting a primary school in Perth and visited a grade four class. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked Mr Palmer if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So the fat bastard asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Clive , "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained Palmer . "That's what we would call great loss."

The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Clive searched the room.

"Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath.

In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Clive , "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!"

The teacher left the room

 

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Meat!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

  • Like 2
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A guy was in Aldi with the wife and put a bottle of whiskey in the trolley.

"What do you think you are doing?" Asked his missus.

It's on offer, $10 for a bottle."

Put it back we can't afford it.

 

A few aisles on, she picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the trolley.

"What are you doing? "he said.

"It makes my face look beautiful" she says.

 

So does the bottles of whisky and its half the bloody price!

  • Like 3
Link to comment
Share on other sites

A New Zealand Biker walks into a bank and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Aussie on business for four weeks and needs to borrow $1,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the biker hands over the keys to a his Harley.

 

“The bike is parked on the street in front of the bank,� says the biker, “and I have all the necessary papers.�

 

The bank officer agrees to accept the Harley as collateral for the loan. After the biker leaves, the loan officer, the bank's manager and all their colleagues enjoy a good laugh at the biker for using a Harley as collateral against a mere $1,000 loan.

 

One of the employees rides the Hog into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Four weeks later, the biker returns, repays the $1,000 and the interest, which comes to $9.50.

 

The loan officer says, "Sir, I must tell you, we’re all a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and discovered that you had more than enough funds in other bank accounts, to cover your trip. Why would you bother to borrow $1,000?�

 

The biker replies, "Where else in Auckland can I park my bike securely for four weeks for only $9.50?� 😜�

  • Like 4
Link to comment
Share on other sites

That's no Joke, in the 1970's My dads rich friend did this in NSW over a long weekend for a $5,000 unsecured loan. He was on holidays from Melbourne for the weekend holiday. I swear this is true, It really happened. and It wasn't a motor bike it was a Mercedes Benz.
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 3 weeks later...

this isn't really a joke, but happened recently, had me laughing

 

a text to my wife from daughter......

 

daughter "have guys got a spare washing machine or know anyone who has?

 

my wife "no, why what's happened?"

 

daughter "ours has started smoking"

 

my wife "tell it to stop, it's too expensive"

 

 

  • Like 5
Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think I'm going to lose my drivers license and all because of a stupid police officer.

 

The conversation went like this when I got pulled over in my car:

 

Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

 

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

 

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is it?"

 

Me: "A car."

 

Officer::"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

 

Me: "I have no idea!"

 

Officer: "So, you're drunk."

 

Me: "But I didn't drink anything."

 

Officer: "Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?

 

Me: "A motorcycle."

 

Officer: "Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

 

Me: "I have no idea!"

 

Officer: "As I suspected, you're drunk!"

 

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

 

Me: "So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is it?"

 

Officer: "A prostitute of course."

 

Me: "Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

 

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

A balding, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past

Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He

told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

 

The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

 

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought

another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000the jeweler said.

The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated,

'By check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now

and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

 

On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said

'Sir...There's no money in that account.

 

''I know,' said the old man...'But let me tell you about my weekend.’

 

  • Like 6
Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
×
×
  • Create New...