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Everything posted by micky

  1. A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there. The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up." The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 o'clock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, "How many sales did you make today?" "One," said the young salesman. "Only one?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?" "Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars," said the young man. "How did you manage that?" asked the flabbergasted boss. "Well," said the salesman, "this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser." The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook???" "No...." answered the salesman, "He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Your weekend's shot, you may as well go fishing."
  2. I looked at a few of the pinball ads on gumtree and they say "SELLING NEW STELLAR STERN PINBALLS DIRECT FROM THE MANUFACTURE." That alone doesn't sound right, as there is only one importer of brand new Sterns in Australia as far as I know, AMD. So is he getting grey imports or just buying from AMD and marking up the price? None of his ads are worded very well either.
  3. A doctor sits down to write a prescription. He pulls a rectal thermometer out of his pocket. He says dammit, some asshole has my pen.
  4. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night" She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
  5. A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders. The man says, “a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will Be $9.40 please” The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same.” Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich. Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, Sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?” "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.” "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a Million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!” "That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?” The man sighs, pauses and answers. "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."
  6. A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, 'because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish. 'The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want. 'God replied, 'Your request is materialistic; think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind. 'The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I, and all men, could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy. God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge...?"
  7. A farmer decided he wanted to go to town and see a movie. As he approached, the ticket agent asked. “Sir, what’s that on your shoulder?” The old farmer said. “That’s my pet rooster Chuck. Wherever I go, Chuck goes.” “I’m sorry, sir." Said the ticket agent. “We can’t allow animals in the theater.” The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed Chuck down his overalls. Then he returned to the booth, bought a ticket, and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unbuttoned his fly so Chuck could stick his head out and watch the movie. “Marge." Whispered Mildred. “What?" Said Marge. “I think the guy next to me is a pervert." “What makes you think so?" Asked Marge. “He undid his pants and he has his thing out." Whispered Mildred. “Eh, don’t worry about it." Said Marge. “At our age we’ve seen ’em all.” “I thought so too,” said Mildred. "But this one’s eating’ my popcorn." 😅
  8. Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..' The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained.. 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
  9. Sex is just like riding a bike. People don’t like it when you do it on a footpath.
  10. A truck driver who has been on the road for weeks, drops into a brothel in Brisbane. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops $500 on the counter and says, ‘I want your oldest worker, and a toasted cheese sandwich’. The Madam is stunned, and replies ‘but sir, for that kind of money you could have our most attractive woman and a 3 course meal!’ The trucker replies ‘Listen love, I’m not horny, I’m homesick’
  11. You have a great lineup there! I would love to play your mad max one day.
  12. A 5-year girl went to visit here grandmother one day. She played with her dolls as grandma dusted the furniture. At one point, she looked up and asked, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend? “ Grandma replied, “My TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I’m so happy with my TV as my boyfriend.” Grandma turned on her TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the back of the TV hoping to fix the problem. Just then, the little girl heard the doorbell ring so she hurried to open the front door. When she opened the door, there stood Grandma’s minister. The minister said, “Hello young lady, is your Grandma home? The little girl replied, “Yeah, she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend!”
  13. Dr.- "OK Dave..try not to get an erection during this prostate exam." Patient - "My name is Steve" Dr.- "I know, I'm Dave"
  14. A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
  15. My wife told me she’ll slam my head into the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer. I’m not too worried — I think she’s jokindkdkslalkdlkfjslfjslksdlkfjuahehwhgwdklaljdf
  16. My daughter just walked into the living room and said: "Dad cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my stereo, iPhone , TV with all my streaming services subscriptions on it and my laptop. Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters, then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Disown me and never talk to me again, and don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.” Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said... “Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he drives a Commodore….”
  17. If you boil a funny bone, it becomes a laughing stock. Now that’s humerus!
  18. I'm one of the people who has no problem with having to wait and see. If prices don't change then I just wont be buying anymore machines. If prices drop, then when I find some I want for a decent price, I'll buy more. I'm pretty happy with what I have at the moment. I'm also happy for others to take the hit and lose their money because they over paid for toys during a frenzy of new people joining the hobby while being locked up in their houses.
  19. See what happens over the next few months. I have a feeling there will be a few people selling soon if interest rates continue the way they are predicted to go.
  20. This woman was lonely as Thanksgiving was approaching. She didn’t want to celebrate alone and fancied a bit of adventure, so she posted an ad in the local newspaper that read: “Looking for man to share Thanksgiving with these qualifications: Won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, is great in bed.” She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but none of the men who called took her fancy. Then one day her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, there was a man there with no arms and no legs. He said, “Hi, I’m Bob. I have no arms so I won’t beat you up and no legs so I won’t run away.” So the woman asked, “What makes you think you’re great in bed?” Bob replied, “I rang the door bell, didn’t I?”
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