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  • AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.

    A teacher's story about Stuttering
    A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

    "Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says. A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat that stuttered.' The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'' That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

    'It sure was,' said the little girl. 'My kitty raised her back, went"Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she could say “F#%K!,” the Rottweiler ate her!

    The teacher had to leave the room.
    Gemini2544's 4th Pinball meet Saturday 21/03/2020

  • #2
    A gentleman went to see the nurse as he had a problem with his male apendage.
    The nurse asked him to remove his garments so she could examine the problem.
    The gentlemen stated that he was quite modest and embarrassed to do this as his apendage was not what you would call a normal size. It is more on the petite side of things.
    The nurse reassured him that she had done many examinations and never once passed judgment.
    However after the gentleman removed his garments the nurse could not help her self and let out a chuckle when he revealed what was to be a apendage approximately the size of a AAA battery.
    After composing her self and apologising profusely she asked the gentleman what seemed to be the problem.
    The gentleman replied it's swollen !!!!
    Pinball...I can't get enough !!!

    Comment


    • #3
      Ranch Hand
      A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
      She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
      but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in
      the newspaper for a ranch hand...

      Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

      She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
      decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
      around the house than the drunk.

      He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
      a lot about ranching..

      For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

      Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have
      done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into
      town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went
      into town one Saturday night.

      One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

      Two o'clock and no hired hand.

      Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he
      found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
      wine, waiting for him.

      She quietly called him over to her..

      "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

      Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

      He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

      He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

      "Now take off my skirt."

      He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

      "Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
      told and dropped it to the floor.

      Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into
      town again, you're fired."

      Comment


      • #4
        This is going to be a long thread......more of a riddle....If Martians come from Mars & Venetians come Venus......What comes from Pluto?

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Rich View Post
          This is going to be a long thread......more of a riddle....If Martians come from Mars & Venetians come Venus......What comes from Pluto?
          I dont know about pluto... but I know what comes from uranus.

          Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk

          Comment


          • #6
            A teacher brought in a cat to class and ask the children
            "What do you think hold its tail on?"
            One little girl raised her hand, " the skin miss"
            Another kid shouts out , "the cats fur miss".
            At this point, little Johnny jumps up, walks over and lifts up the tail.
            "By the look at the size of those nuts, I'd say it's
            f$@&ing bolted on.


            Sent from iPhone using Tapatalk
            The Artist Formally Known As #1

            Comment


            • #7
              Natal Curry Contest

              If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for you!

              Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to The first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better.

              They actually have a Curry Cook-off about June/July. It takes up a Major portion of a parking lot at the Royal Show in PMB. Judge #3 was an In-experienced food critic named Frank, who was visiting from America.

              Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be selected as a judge at a Curry Cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Beer Garden when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Natal Indians) that the curry wouldn't be all that spicy and,besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted".

              Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

              CURRY # 1 - SEELAN'S MANIAC MONSTER TOMATO CURRY

              Judge #1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

              Judge # 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These people are crazy.


              CHILLI # 2 - PHOENIX BBQ CHICKEN CURRY

              Judge #1 -- Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.

              Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.


              CURRY # 3 - SHAMILA'S FAMOUS "BURN DOWN THE GARAGE" CURRY

              Judge #1 -- Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.

              Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Call 911. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drain Cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by now.Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pissed from all the beer.


              CHILI # 4 - BABOO'S BLACK MAGIC BEAN CURRY

              Judge #1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.

              Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a curry.

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- I felt something scraping across my tongue,but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?Shareen, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 200kg woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?


              CHILI # 5 LALL'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

              Judge #1 -- Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

              Judge # 2 -- Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit the chilli peppers make a strong statement.

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my Forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chilli had given me brain damage. Shareen saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.


              CHILI # 6 - VERISHNEE'S VEGETARIAN VARIETY

              Judge #1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of spices & peppers.

              Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.Superb.

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- My Intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I am definitely going to shit myself if I fart and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Shareen. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone ice cream.


              CHILI # 7 - SELINA'S "MOTHER-IN-LAW'S-TONGUE" CURRY

              Judge #1 -- A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned peppers.

              Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. (I should take note at this stage that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably).

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with curry, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least, during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.

              I've decided to stop breathing - it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.


              CHILI # 8 - NAIDOO'S TOENAIL CURLING CURRY

              Judge #1 -- The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

              Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of himself.

              Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor man, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot curry?

              Judge # 3 (Frank) -- No report.

              Comment


              • #8
                Tried to read the curry joke to friends but half way through had to pass the phone on to someone else. Just couldn't stop laughing.

                Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk

                Comment


                • #9
                  A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing her bags.
                  "Where are you going?" demands the surprised husband.
                  "To Las Vegas! I found out that there are men that will pay me $500 cash to do what I do for you for free!"
                  The man pondered that thought for a moment, and then began packing his bags.
                  "What do you think you are doing?" she screamed.
                  "I'm going to Las Vegas with you... I want to see how you're going to live on $1,000 a year!"

                  -----------

                  Mr. Smith's wife has been in a coma for four months. The nurses have come to realise that she moves every time they wash her crotch area.
                  The doctors think hard about this. They bring in Mr. Smith and say that they have a good idea.
                  Perhaps if he practices oral sex with her she will wake out of the coma.
                  Mr. Smith would do anything so he asks for some privacy.
                  He soon rushes out saying, ''I think she's choking!"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Apologies to my cuzzy-bro's

                    A man in Newcastle walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

                    The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

                    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

                    "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

                    As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

                    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

                    Later, the manager said to the boy...........

                    "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

                    "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

                    "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

                    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

                    "Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

                    "Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?" :LOL.thumb:
                    http://www.aussiearcade.com.au/forum.../138-RAIL-WAYS

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      whats the last four words you dont want to hear when you are making love to the women you love........
                      HONEY I AM HOME...

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                      • #12
                        Guy come's home to his wife with a Duck under his arm & declares "Honey this is the Pig I've been F*%#ing".
                        Wife replies "That's not a Pig you idiot!"
                        The guy replies back "I was talking to the Duck...."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by Rich View Post
                          This is going to be a long thread......more of a riddle....If Martians come from Mars & Venetians come Venus......What comes from Pluto?
                          Plutonium?

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Rich View Post
                            This is going to be a long thread......more of a riddle....If Martians come from Mars & Venetians come Venus......What comes from Pluto?

                            Fleas

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by kingsarcades View Post
                              I dont know about pluto... but I know what comes from uranus.

                              Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk
                              Boom tish!
                              PINBALL gotta love it

                              "There's no such thing as too much bling" Scott

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