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AA's JOKE OF THE DAY please add to daily.

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  • A family is at the dinner table. The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.” “Onions?” the son asks. “Yes. You see them and they make you cry.” This infuriated his wife and daughter. The daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of willies are there?” The mother smiles and says, “Well, dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it’s like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it’s like a Christmas tree.” “A Christmas tree?” the daughter asks. “Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

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    • In the morning Tom calls to his boss:
      – Good morning, boss, unfortunately, I’m not coming to work today. I’m really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I’m not coming into work.”
      The boss replies:
      – You know Tom; I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
      2 hours later Bob calls:
      – Boss, I followed your advice, and I feel great! I’ll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.

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      • A highway patrol officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

        Just before midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior
        light brightly glowing.

        He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
        He sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
        He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat knitting.

        Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car
        and gently taps on the driver's window.

        The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"
        The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"
        The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine."
        Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the trooper asks:

        "And what is she doing?"

        The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's knitting a scarf."
        Now, the trooper is totally confused:
        A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing inappropriate is happening!"

        The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"
        The young man says: "I'm 22, sir." The trooper asks:
        "And how old is she?" The young man looks at his watch and replies:
        "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

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        • A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

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          • Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Mick. When he got home he took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife.

            He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the bannister, his body swung around and he landed heavily. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his arse cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids. He then began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

            In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and arse and with his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night weren’t you Paddy?”

            Paddy replied, “And why would you be saying such a mean thing?”

            “Well,” she said,“it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes–but mostly, it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!

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