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mental illness - very personal and hope this just saves one person


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wow, just goes to show you..

 

as a few very close friends knew i had a massive mental breakdown about 6 weeks ago..so epic was it the doctors thought i had a stroke.

 

now this isn't about felling sorry for me (cause now i have never felt better)..it is a message to guys that if the shit is going down and you need help, please seek it.

 

just some background: i am very happily married, have been for over 20 years, my wife and i have 2 adult children which we couldn't be more proud..both at university and really excelling in their studies..own our home and have a very secure job with the department of defence, so have a job i can retire to.

 

so this was coming (for years), even though i didn't see it coming..i have always looked after myself with what i ate and exercised everyday for at least an hour..and yeah i liked a beer and smoked some weed..but my wife and i we went so close to losing our beautiful daughter when she was about 10 (she is now 20), she had a massive seizure in the middle of the night and we had the ambulance guys working on her in front of us at 3:15am to keep her alive..i can remember looking around and thinking our perfect life was about to be blown to bits.

 

deep down inside i knew i was never the same.

 

fast forward..in a stressful management job, multi million dollar projects, many staff etc..and it was with me 24/7..redundancies got offered and my hand couldn't get out there fast enough...that was 5 years ago.

 

so to the breakdown..i was feeling pretty good but the 'mouse was always running on the treadmill in my head' didn't matter where i was...was juggling all these things and my mind was always spinning..was at work on a friday, not many people in and i had this massive rush through my entire body like being struck by a bolt of lightning..i couldn't speak, stand and knew i was f*cked..so sat there for about 30 minutes until i could start to communicate..

 

drove home (stupidly), got every red light light on the way home, called my 25 year old son and asked him to get me into the my doctors urgently and could he drive me there and be with me.

 

went through every test known to man over the next week but my mind was screwed.

 

at my lowest point (and it happened many times) i had to call my wife home to be with me as i was suicidal and couldn't see past that very minute..i wouldn't wish it anybody in the world..was sleeping 20 hours a day and in out of hospital..not one doctor picked up what was wrong.

 

after every test (including 3 scans of my brain) and yes they found a few cells left they sent me to psychologist and she listened to everything that happened and she smiled and said i had a mental breakdown and she would help me get better..finally i had found somebody that i felt as they understood what had happened..

 

she explained after what happened with my daughter about 10 years ago i had never let that go and all the other shit with work, my wife having both of her parents pass away over the last 12 months (and they were legend people) my body and mind had just shut my entire system down.

 

now, i'm not looking for any sympathy, as i said i feel so at peace as my mind is crystal clear, all anxiety gone..

 

what this is about, i know that many of my friends, close friends have been through a very similar thing but may not have had the network around them to support them like i did..my work (and especially my direct manager) were absolute legends while i was off for 5 weeks..can't say enough how fantastic my wife penelope was and still is.

 

so guys, if you're still reading this and you are going through some heavy shit please reach out and ask for help..i am more than happy to pm my mobile my number and chat with anybody that needs help.

 

what i learnt was to stop the mouse spinning on the treadmill in my head, was to ground yourself, use the body 5 senses..slow your breathing, stop and watch the butterfly fly past, listen to the water running in the creek, the dog barking 5 blocks away, look at the clouds above your head, feel the wind on your face.

 

if this helps just one person well it was well worth typing all this out.

 

..and just one photo to share, i have always had dogs around me all my life, they are a massive part of our family..i woke from coming home from hospital and one of my dogs blaze, this is what i opened my eyes to..she knew i was struggling and wasn't allowed up on the bed..look into her eyes, you reckon dogs aren't the coolest animals?

 

http://i270.photobucket.com/albums/jj101/illawarra_steelers/20160305_123703-1_zpsbrzp7v8f.jpg

Edited by illawarra_steelers
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Mate, what a touching post.

 

Speaks volumes about who you are. Genuine, heartfelt and courageous post. Thanks for sharing and its great to hear you are better.

 

And you are right, dogs are really man's best friend.

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Geez Tone...what an awesome post bro. Such bravadery to post something so personal and to reach out to others.

 

Yep and dogs are clever...they have got me through alot of the times throughout the years

 

Cheers

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I think all blokes have their demons, but we're told from a young age to 'suck it up', 'be a man', 'have a cup of concrete'. Gets to the point that you can end up numb to everything around you.

 

Although I have no experience with what you've gone through I did suffer from depression when I was younger and that was bad enough, I can only imagine how bad this must have been for you.

 

Thanks for the post Tony. If it helps even one person get some help with whatever shit they're facing it was well worth it.

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Fantastic and honest post from the heart - I do know a little about how you feel as I have had a VERY stressful few years and, in particular, this last year has been complete crap for me with Karen, my wife of 38 years, passing away.

 

I'm not trying to take a single thing away from your post and I also wish that anyone with issues can recognise the symptoms and get help such as you have been able to get.

 

That isn't an option for me, here, so I just have to keep SO busy that I drop at the end of the day.

 

Thank goodness for "Men's Sheds" across Australia. If you are not involved already Tony, maybe you could introduce your local shed to pinball??

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Sorry to hear Tony but a very well written eye opener for others. And also goes for physical health. Taking cups of concrete doesn't always work. 6 months ago I burnt the candle at both ends till the body just shut down finally prompting a doctors visit to find out I was lucky my I'll live attitude didn't kill me.

 

No shame in getting help

 

 

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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hi tony glad to hear your doing well, I went thru a very similar experience 16 years ago and my wife was and still is my rock in life helped me get back to a so called normal life and yep a dog is yr best mate I just lost mine on sat of 12 years wessie the jack Russell I wish you well in everything you do mate cheers
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Hey mate, happy to hear you are on the mend and in time you will be firing on all cylinders. Mental health across Australia really is a silent killer and if left unchecked it causes so much grief for all involved.

2 of my co workers put themselves in front of a train 8 weeks ago. 1 has survived with horrific injuries. Everyone at work was shattered.

 

You are right Tony if you can just reach out to 1 person with this post and make them realise especially as bloke "hey i might have a problem"

Great courage mate and thanks sincerely for sharing what is a very personal matter.

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thanks so much for the support guys, have been a very concerned for many friends over the years as their marriages have broken down, seems most fellas just lock it all up inside..have also been surprised at the amount of sms and pm over night..again i can't thank my beautiful wife enough, while she is still coming to terms with the loss of both her parents.

 

just to stress again..i am not looking for sympathy becausr even though i did go through hell i feel reset again, my mind is so clear and have let everything go inside me..

 

what the point was..if YOU have issues..seek help, reach out to a friend, get professional help..and most importantly stop and smell the roses..

 

another example of this is i like to swim to keep fit, rather than get out of the pool, dry and head home..have been laying on my back and just watching the clouds pass over..just like a 5 year old does..

 

we get one shot at life..enjoy it.

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Great post Tony. Sharing this will hopefully have others accept you are no lesser of a man for going to the doctor to have stuff checked out early if you feel things aren't right.

 

18 years ago I had a similar experience. I lost control of left side of my body, after about a week of pushing myself at work. I was walking down the hallway at work bouncing off the walls.wtf. Our OH&S nurse saw me, thinking I was effected by something came over and checked me out. Once she relished this was caused by a medical condition not piss or drugs. After taking my PB and it was through the roof, I was taken straight to Hospital.

 

After many tests and scans, it was confirmed I had MS......I broke down thinking this would be the end of my active sporting life and could be in a wheelchair within ten years. Thank god I was wrong.

 

I retired from work 5 years ago due to high level of stress which was only making my condition worse....like Tony I have a very supporting partner and kids which has helped me get through.

 

Help is only a phone call away.....so what you waiting for!!

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This is a topic very close to home

 

Lost my sister in law and cousin to mental illness and have seen first hand what it can do....... it aint pretty.

This is one area where Govt funding should be stepped up and not stripped back. I have seen Govt departments in QLD responsible for mental health either stripped back to a skeleton staff or shut down all together.

Our dopey elected officials hard at work again.

:realmad:

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Great post Tony.

 

Yes it's about getting the message out and hopefully it can help someone reading.

Breakdowns suck. Went through one similar about 18 years ago and it completely changed me .... never been the same since.

Recently,I knew the signs so knew what to do right away.

The 20hrs sleeping or weeks at a time in bed really seem to add to the problem, although you have no choice.

 

Hope you can manage it well and exercise, like your swimming, is one of the main cures as well.

Chin up mate and get well.

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Tony I hope you can make your way through the maze. I can empathise and send good wishes to all those suffering. Watch out for SSRI treatment, those prescription drugs are the "best" you can get!

 

A while back a series of events lead me to re-evaluate my life and now I work 3 days a week with some freelance jobs.

 

Work is over-rated, family and friends is what counts. Z

 

Sent from my C6903 using Tapatalk

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Wow..

 

I think what surprises and scares me the most is how this seemingly just came out of the blue. No precursor, nothing..?

 

All the very best Tony, so glad you've tamed the beast and that you're 20:20 again. Its certainly given me food for thought. Its not always rosy on the inside hey, no matter how it might seem from the outside, or to others.

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Thanks for posting Tony, you are braver than most. I recently separated from my wife of 22yrs plus and rarely see my 2 daughters. My son is with me and I know this is the only reason I am holding my stuff together. Work was the only normal for me. I am just getting my head around things and trying to get out more. Part of this is now trying to embrace my hobby more, which was not previously an option for me.

I really appreciate the effort you have taken in writing this and I will be calling all my mates today to say hello...

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Tony I hope you can make your way through the maze. I can empathise and send good wishes to all those suffering. Watch out for SSRI treatment, those prescription drugs are the "best" you can get!

 

A while back a series of events lead me to re-evaluate my life and now I work 3 days a week with some freelance jobs.

 

Work is over-rated, family and friends is what counts. Z

 

Sent from my C6903 using Tapatalk

 

I would make sure your doctor was very well informed. I was put on SSRI's in my mid twenties and well I can say my doctors, psychologist and psychiatrist all missed some pretty obvious signs.

 

Now I didn't go to them for depression I was taking some medication and they got me to fill in a form, apparently I have a lack of emotions which they attributed to childhood PTSD/depression after a quick visit to a psychologist. I just went with the flow and they put me on SSRI's after making me see a psychiatrist, now taking this stuff kinda felt like I was taking ecstasy. Despite me seeing doctors and psychiatrists no one clued onto this, even though I was telling them hey I think this stuff is working "too well" I pretty much couldn't stop smiling and was laughing all the time and the few moments of clarity I had became less and less. Now can you imagine being on ecstasy for 6 months straight? Sure I had a blast and it was literally the time of my life but I made so many bad decisions and did so many things which I still think back almost 10 years later and feel guilty about it. I have no idea how I kept my job, or got arrested the amount of inappropriate shit I was doing was just staggering. I also blew a huge chunk of the savings I had for a house.

 

Not saying people shouldn't take them but be damn sure the people giving them know their shit. I only found out what happened when I mentioned it to my girlfriend about a weird period of my life and since she works with psychiatrists picked up on it straight away and was flabbergasted that it could have been missed. Made me feel a little bit better about what happened but I still feel a bit guilty about my actions at the time.

 

Anyway a few of my friends are having a bit of a rough time now and I encourage them all to hit the gym and do some weights. They seem to be a bit happier and gives them a feeling of accomplishment. Not saying it will fix anything but practically no one has ever said "I regret doing that workout" I also heard that it does something in your brain with dopamine or something which makes people feel better.

Edited by kasp
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I concur with all of the responses to your very brave post Tony.

 

I reckon, all of us blokes go through some form of depression at various stages in our lives. Recognizing it is the first step. Bottling it up probably inherited from our parents in a time when it was not so understood and at best, considered socially awkward. Thankfully the current generation are a bit more open to such matters. Many lives saved because of it.

 

I have had the need to do a 'factory restore' from time to time. Haven't had the need for prescription drugs thankfully.

 

Your right Tony, every so often you need to slow down and smell the roses.

 

Kudos for having the strength to raise this on the forum.

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Glad you finally found time to get this out there mate. Just hearing first-hand what you'd been through actually made me sit up and take stock of a few things over the last couple of weeks. Sharing is sometimes the hardest thing for us blokes to do, but it's one of the best things you can do for yourself, and those around you. Onward and upward Tony.

 

 

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

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Incredibly brave and honest story, thank you for sharing and glad you're well again. Mental health is a massive part of everyone's life and often doesn't get the attention it deserves since it's mostly invisible until it's a crisis, and people often fear the stigma of being thought of as 'crazy' even by close friends and family. And that's exactly what's needed most at these times!

 

If anyone reading needs it or knows someone that might, here in Aus there's Mind Australia who provide mental health services in the community - can't praise them enough.

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I know how you feel, I had one too. Mine cost me my daughters graduation & her wedding day. It's taken 12 years just to talk via email to her & see photos of grandchildren I'm yet to hold & meet. I congratulate your courage & sharing, I wish AA mate-ship was available to me when I blew a gasket.

Well done.

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Bloody hell mate, that is a heavy post! Thanks so much for being strong enough to put it all on paper. So many people these days are able to come clean with mental health issues I can only imaging the silent suffering of people in the past when issues like this were swept under the carpet. So much more chance of recovery now that we are all prepared to talk about it instead of hiding it. It takes a tough person to do what you have done mate, you should feel proud of yourself and the family for what you have achieved in getting through it all.

 

I know a bloke who was within a few metres of being killed in the Granville train disaster. He has suffered PTSD for years as a result. The more people like you and my mate who speak openly about the better off every person who listens will be (as will you be).

 

You are a top bloke Tony, and top blokes deserve to be happy. Thanks for sharing this with us all.

 

Dave

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